depressed :/

hey , its me again , see it really annoys me when i say ill keep up with something , but never do :/ cos i suppose writing about a situation that bothers me makes me feel alot better!
Well the thing is , my girlfriend , danielle , we havent been doing to well lately :/ im really sad cos it's brought me to do the most stupidest things ever , well i split up with her:'( and im soo sad :/ cos i did it , because we were arguing loads and we were both busy to even see each other, so i thought i did the right thing at first :/ but obviously not , well im actually soooo in love with her , im not joking , but ive tried to tell her , and she doesnt trust that ill stay with her :/ i love her soo much and ive tried soo much to get back with her , its soo sad that i cant even tell anyone anymore, you guys are the only people i can tell, even if you probably dont read this bullshit.

I cant help the way i feel , it was valentines , the day that was the worst for me , i tried to convince her , and i got soo worked up about it , my work had to see me histerically crying about it and get told to go home and have a break for a while, but i didnt go home , i sat at the side of the road trying to get in touch with her , she was being soo mean to me , but tbh who blames her, im a dickhead ! i contemplated wether to run into the middle of the road and id forget everything , but i dunno what made me do it , probably im striving to make everything better and get back to normal. it wont happen to her though , i dont know what to do , she's scared that ill leave her. i know she loves me , cos she's told me. but she cant bring herself to get hurt again :'( WHAT DO I DO :'(

Ive been soo sad this past couple of days , i thought maybe if i send her a letter , then it'll make her realise , but im too scared to send it , pussyhole :/ ive wrote more, but i cant send those either , ive told one of danielles best friends, i cant trust them , cos danielle knew about it and i told them not to say :'( see i have no friends i can trust :/ AT ALL ! ive cried soo much , im even crying now :/ i had a dream the other night and it was horrible , made me think how much of a dickhead ive been , cos i have tbh. im in denial and i hate it , i wish i had someone who would actually understand and listen to me :'( i have noone i can talk to .
i was on the fone with her tonight, she told me yesterday , she was thinking about us two getting back together , cos i was cute with her , and so i was cute , she played along and it was soo good :) until it got serious and it ended in me crying again , i dont understand how i can change things, i want to see her again :/ i havent seen her since saturday :'( not a long time i know , but still , i love her that much you know. im beating myself up about it you know :/ i was looking in the mirror and i went mental :/ i started hitting myself in the face and smacking myself , saying you stupid bastard :/ asif you did something soo fucking idiotic, i hope you fucking rot in hell :/ bad and sad huh ? i think i need help :( im worried about myself , i cant live without her !

Id never leave her again, but i believe we can resolve things , ill never give up ! i really wont, im scared that im wasting my time , but i said love you , and very faintly , i heard 'loveyou too' in the background :) i know she's on her way to trusting me agai n, i told her to come out , and i said id give her time ! i will but im afraid she might move on and find someone who doesnt give a shit as much , but ive heard alot of people say im different to most of the other boys , cos i actually care, and i do :/ i dont wanner be someone im not , and i am being , so im changing , i hate change , but id do anything to be with her ! i really would , cos ive dreamed of the times when we're older in the house , with our caravan , and living the good life together , soo in love , nomatter wat , i hope she gives in in the end , because im not gonner give up! sounds selfish i know , but 2 years to be in a relationship , at 16 , is a very long time! and i wish , i really wish it was longer :/ i really do ! enough of my horse shit any way , i hope someone that cares , reads this and has some way of telling me what to do , i need advice , bad :/ i hope someone does read, well goodnight , ill probably do one of these tomorrow , goodnight XXXX

20 jan 2010

well im going to start a blog :-)



Ive always wanted to start one so i guess i thought i should start right now , being that i have nothing at all to do.To start off i best tell you all about me , even though nobody will want to read this shit :/ aha.



Well my name is Laurence John Anthony Ellerker,

i live in Hull in england. i have a rather large family but i start off with my close family i live with.
well theres mom, liz , shes okay :-) darren , he's the same ;) beth whos just plain lazy!and henry , the youngest brother , well lets just say he's kinda annoying ;)

Im 16 and i love acting ! i want to be on either westend, broadway or film :-) i really love it .
im in my first year of college and its going okay i suppose;) it drags alot i guess , but ill miss it when its gone. its really hard at the moment , im getting really stressed out :/ i study performing arts which is the whole shibang really , acting singing dancing and the rest , and im good , but im soo unorganised ! Right we keep these things called logbooks , im soo behind in them all , the other night i was so fed up i ripped one up ! .

anyway , yeah these logbooks are supposed to track every day of our two year corse ! every single lesson , gets jotted down as a sort of , well diary. and its hard once you lose track ! like me



(sn .<>

i also do art :-) and it's amazing ! im good at that too! but im really determined to get up on the stage and just sing my heart out :-) but its amazin , if i can get an example of some of my work ill put it up :-) My favourite style of artwork definately has to be graffiti ! i propa love it , and banksy is my alltime favourite of all ;) i like to do my ownlittle bansky ideas and draw them out , ill post some of these up too ! being that nobody steals my ideas ;) but i trust you guys

right details details , erm well i go out with this amazingly stunning girlfriend right now, shes propa amazing ! i love her soo much , well she's called Danielle Cusworth , illl put a picture on here to. Well we've been together for 2 years almost , ( in feb) and it sounds cheesy , but i want to be with her for life! Ive been real stupid with her lately though and have done some things i really regret , ive been an idiot , not cheated but just generally. well yeah , i love her of course ! and theres nothing that can come between us :-)

It's a bit wierd a sixteen year old doing a blog but i feel asthough im actually having a normal reasonable convosation. you'd think im a thug right ? well your wrong, im quite mature for my age , i started going out when i was twelve , to this under eighteens night at this club in hull called the Welly. and also started drinking alcohol at the same age , omm bit naughty i know , but theres like 9 year olds walking round here brandishing bottles of vodka so dont complain ;)

Now i dont tend to drink much, my favourite drink is jack daniels for definate , can beat a bit of whisky ;) its real nice ! i dont tend to go out much either, welly's full of like 12 year olds now so ive grown out of it :-) ive only just started going to over eighteen places now, such as spiders and welly ( the adult one ;) ) but ive got a fake id so its cool ;)

ive had may jobs , starting with a paper round when i was twelve , till now , ive worked for an upholsters firm , my uncles and a joinery firm for work experiance , ive worked in a salon , which i washed hair and a cafe called zoo (its a real hippy place) i got sacked from there for being late :o but now ive got my act together and ive just started working at a resteraunt called brimbles bistro (beestro) and its hard work :/ but i spose i can get better it gets me alot of money :) so its cooool !

Enough about me ;)

ill tell you about today then , well i woke up , was late for college :l badtimes! because i was up really late last night writing an essay for drama , about comparing and contrasting metamorphis and an inspector calls. I gave it in for a check and it was apparently okay ! which was ace ;) cos im real bad at writing essays :) then musical theatre , where we went through our solo's for this show we're doing , because were studying music hall , or vaudeville to you americans;) and it went quite well , im an alright singer, i got chose for the lead in the school play last year and i loved it ! also i did a solo in last years caberet night, ill put the link up cos its on youtube ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8FfjkcycGXs) ,then the thing with danielle :/ me just going mental .

but i got home , did my paper round , got okay with dan again and the day is up , well im up to now , and ive got a flipping essay to write for tomorrow :l so i guess i better go do it ;) aah

erm my youtube channel is http://www.youtube.com/user/lozzaford i havent got many videos on , and theyre probably naff but check it ou ;)